Through the power of their minds, philosophers explore the foundations of peaceful coexistence and drive humanity forward—at least, that is how the author sees it. Upon closer inspection, however, these respected figures remain entrenched in patriarchal structures, conceited, and even misanthropic. Their philosophy swells, ignites, and begins to hurt. We call this disease philosophitis. The thinkers of the future, however, will expose male power politics and ultimately demand the worldwide collection of all weapons. Only these true philosophers will advance humanity thanks to their open eyes and clear language. *Generic feminine